by David High
I’ve tried my best not to let anyone know the truth, but it’s probably time to admit it. I know I’ll feel better if I do. Unburden my soul. Okay, here goes: A very close relative of mine, he’s like a brother to me, is really into wines. If Einstein had known him, he would have a totally different theory on relativity or relatives. He’s not a wino or anything, I mean my relative, not Einstein. What I’m trying to say is … Well, he tends to be… He’s sort of … Simply put, he’s a wine snob. There I’ve finally said it.
He actually is very close to losing it altogether by becoming a wine bore. He drones on and on at any and all occasions about wine. It can be months between meeting each other and rather than the expected greeting of; “How are you doing?” or “How have you been?” the first thing out of his mouth is “I just bought this ‘89 Châteauneuf-du-Papes and it is from the north side of the vineyard.” I guess that’s when I’m supposed to sound excited. His whole life appears to revolve around nothing else.
Wine people do tend to go overboard like this for some reason. People can have any kind of hobby in the world, like collecting antique ink pens or doing one-hundred dollar bill origami, but if they’re into wines, look out; you may have to have an intervention like with a drug addict in order to save them from themselves.
The study of wine making is called Oenology, for those who are interested. To me it sounds like some unnatural or unlawful act of some kind. The wine swirlers and sniffers are the ones that really turn me off, the ones my close relation seems to hang around with more and more. They stick their noses in a glass of dross, hold it up to the light and come up with the most inane comments, like “I would rather have the Jacques ’79 – even though it can be a bit woody – over the Garcon ‘72, which is almost always Presbyterian in its predictability.” I’ve always been more of a beer person myself. I feel more comfortable with beer people, the trap shooters, crap shooters and tiddly-winks players. You know, the salt of the earth types who can talk to you about relief pitching or triple-crown winners.
Beer was first brewed by the Mesopotamians in 10,000 BC. Wine didn’t come along until 6,000 BC. Beer contains valuable B vitamins, such as B12, folic acid and niacin, as well as antioxidants, such as polyphenols and ferulic acid, which makes it the healthier choice, contrary to popular opinion. Beer also contains soluble fiber, which is good for digestion. Even the “active” ingredient in alcohol, whether from beer or wine, allegedly helps keep arteries clear of blockages. So there! Beer is better for you than wine apparently!
A beer-toast to all my relations and those of you who enjoy a fine ale… and those who don’t. To quote Ben Franklin: “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” Therefore, it’s better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink wine or water and be full of sh&%… I mean bacteria.
