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Nails

by Carol Dunn

Screen Shot 2016-05-04 at 5.32.37 PMROCKY MOUNTAIN SOUTHWEST — I’m not talking about hardware here; I’m talking about beautiful, manicured fingernails. For those of you who have beautiful, manicured fingernails, aka BMFs, I want to thank you for bringing a little beauty into our world. And for those of you who laughed when you even THOUGHT about having BMFs, let me say this: I feel your pain.

To say that my nails are a wretched example of what fingernails were intended to be is a gross understatement. My nails have considered packing up and leaving town countless times. (Of course, I have NEVER thought about doing this myself.) My nails have had enough of being chipped, bent back, torn and smashed. As a result, they have rewarded me by becoming lovely, smooth, perfectly polished . . . NOT! They are usually a mess, so I keep them as short as possible. It’s got to be one of Murphy’s laws that as soon as a fingernail grows longer than a millimeter it will get jammed against the barn door and bent back. And why is it that ALL of a finger’s nerve endings seem to be under the fingernail? I know, I know, “Call the Waaa-mbulance.” Well, I’m a real sissy about jamming, smashing and chipping fingernails. Come to think of it, I’m a real sissy about a lot of things. BUT, fingernail injuries are right up there with getting my hair caught in the blowdryer. Don’t ask.

If fingernails are there to protect the tips of our fingers, then I’d say most of the time mine do a pretty poor job of it. A fingernail, for instance, cannot stop your finger from smashing in the log splitter. Strike one. A fingernail cannot stop a guinea hen from flying into your face and knocking your glasses into a glob of fowl manure. Strike two. And even a fingernail combined with a flat rock cannot dig a hole in the stuff loosely-referred to as soil in our front yard. Strike three.

On the Internet, the source for all weird information in the universe, you can read about a guy in India who has the longest fingernails in the world. His thumbnail is 6 ½-feet long, and when you add together all the nails on his left hand, they’re over 30 feet long. Ok, besides this being ultra-creepsville, how does this guy cut his steak? How does he put the lid back on the milk jug? Of course, he only has gross, creepy, long fingernails on his left hand for the obvious reason. He probably needs his right hand to play a guitar. Oh yes, and to perform personal tasks.

Face it folks, if you live here, you may have to give up your dream of beautiful, manicured fingernails … among other things.

 

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