by Susan Harris
Feeling trapped is an invitation to resent the other people who live in your space. Even mice forced into tight quarters eventually lose their cool. The first step to a happier home is to change your perspective; your space is keeping you safe. Second, claim a spot where you can retreat and tell the others they must honor your solitude. A few moments alone taking deep breaths can defuse frustration. Go out on the porch or into the backyard; the vitamin D in sunshine will help. If necessary, find a place in the basement or the bath and close the door. If family members engage in an activity they like, you can take a tiny vacation.
Getting along is always a matter of understanding each other’s needs. Any person, regardless of age, comes as a package of personality, experiences, likes and dislikes—as you do. Strive to keep the atmosphere as positive as possible. Make a rule that no one is allowed to disrespect anyone else. No one will ever thank you for making him feel stupid. Instead, you want to honor your differences as much as you can. Everyone is feeling uneasy. “I know you like your music loud, but if you use ear buds, I have peace to keep me happy and you have your music.” Try to avoid direct orders or threats. “I know you don’t usually do housework, but we’re all here together, and we need to cooperate. No one can do it all and stay sane.” Humor softens many conflicts.
Finally, when you lose control, own it—even to children. “I lost my temper and it wasn’t good. I’m tired and stressed; that isn’t your fault. I’m really sorry. I’ll try not to let that happen again. I love you. I need your help and maybe you could use mine, too.” You can upend old family habits to defuse fear—have a picnic on the floor, invent silly rules for the games you play, tell stories or have a dance-off. You can share your reactions to your situation. Above all, be optimistic and mean it. “We can make it through this together.” Know everything changes, and so will these times.
