Happy Happy Birthday to me

by David High

I had a birthday recently, and it makes me feel that it could be the beginning of a new decade informed by wisdom, self-acceptance, love for family and friends and, best of all, great discounts that make me proud to be my age. Now don’t think I’m senile enough to tell you how old I am. But the milestone date did get me thinking. I know that’s a dangerous thing (thinking) to do at an advanced age. Nevertheless, I started to write down the things I’ve learned in all those years

: 1) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 2) Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. 3) If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done. 4) When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 5) Life is too short to put up with a bad massage. 6) Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 7) I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication. 8) I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes. 9) The most valuable function of the federal government – especially today’s – is pure unadulterated entertainment. 10) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night. 11) Invest in a good pair of tweezers. 12) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 13) Never be afraid to try something new, even if you know little about it. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a large group of professionals built the Titanic. 14) Everyone you meet is better than you at something. 15) As you reach the golden years, kidnappers tend to lose interest in you, and in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 16) I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you unless, of course, you win the lottery. 17) There is a fine line between a clean desk and sick mind. 18) A person who is nice to you but rude to a waitperson is not a nice person. 19) When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often this person is crazy as a loon. 20) Yelling always makes things worse. 21) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 22) The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic. 23) Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be. 24) Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. And you thought I was senile.